Allison Holker says Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss was never the same after he tried ayahuasca.
The So You Think You Can Dance alum explained on a recent episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show that her late husband, who died by suicide in December 2022, was negatively impacted by the experience.
“I think it was a very big turning point for him,” Holker said. “I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. He still could find joy, and he could still go day-by-day putting on his face and getting through the days, but there was something missing in his eyes.”
She continued, “It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed. And never fully escaped.”
Stephen “tWitch” Boss. Rodin Eckenroth/WireImage
According to the Cleveland Clinic, ayahuasca is a “hallucinogenic tea” known for its spiritual and medicinal properties that has been used by communities living in South America for centuries. While the drug affects everyone differently, its symptoms range anywhere from euphoria and visual or auditory hallucinations to anxiety, vomiting, and chest pains.
Holker went on to state that while she will “always celebrate Stephen,” she has to be careful about how she chooses to honor him moving forward.
“I think he was a wonderful person and I’m really sad what he went through, but I also have to be careful because I can’t celebrate so much of his choice,” she explained. “And that’s a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because [the kids] are very hurt by their father’s decision.”
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Holker noted that their three children “have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through” following Boss’ death.
“But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work, and they are putting in the time, and they are finding joy in life, and they are finding laughter again,” she continued. “But there’s a lot to unpack for them that they’ll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.”
Last month, Holker responded to backlash from friends and family surrounding her decision to detail Boss’ death in her new memoir, This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light.
“To fans of Stephen and our family and friends, I want to be clear that my only intention in writing the book is to share my own story as well as part of my life with Stephen to help other people,” she wrote in a lengthy Instagram Story post. “Just like you, I never really knew what happened, and even as I am trying to put the pieces together I will never really know.”
Holker explained at the time that she wrote the memoir “to celebrate the love and life I shared with Stephen and our three beautiful children, and also the more complex aspects of both of our lives” as well as to “help someone else who might see themselves or a loved one in Stephen.” She added, “In sharing I hope that maybe they can catch some the red flags that I missed before it’s too late.
“I believe that if Stephen were able to choose, he would choose to have his story told if it meant saving even one life,” she continued. “Much love to all those who have supported our family these man-years.”
Watch Holker discuss Boss’ ayahuasca journey in the podcast above.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to 988lifeline.org.
